Third place winner of the 2014 Trailer Smackdown for The Brattle Theatre.
Tags: The Librarian (Film Series) Library Trailer Brattle Theatre (Theater)
Added: 9 months ago
From: Martin Miggs
[scene opens with a female librarian (short blonde hair, glasses black sweater, white blouse, plaid skirt) running through a cemetery]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: [in voice over] I'm the only librarian left!
[cut to the librarian hiding behind one of the gravestones]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: [in voice over] They've all changed!
[cut to the librarian (out of breath and still crouching behind the gravestone) speaking directly to the camera]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: They're all--
[the sound of a beer can opening causes her to stop and look around, as the scene fades to black]
["Two days ago" appears on screen, then cut to five stereotypical-looking librarians (three men, two women) standing outside of the Cambridge Public Library]
[cut to the female librarian (now calm and smiling) walking up to the librarians and shaking the head librarian's hand]
[cut to the librarian sitting at a table (with the other librarians all huddled together on the other end of the table) in an apparent interview, as one of the female librarians (long blonde hair, glasses, blue sweater, white blouse, grey skirt) asks her a question]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 2: How would you execute IP authentication for a HathiTrust partner institution?
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: Institute a shibboleth login.
[cut to one of the male librarians (brown hair, beard, glasses, brown shirt, blue tie, brown pants) asking a question]
MALE LIBRARIAN 1: What is the Dewey Decimal classification ... for a binary star?
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: Five two three point eight four one.
[cut to one of the other male librarians (brown hair, goatee, glasses, burgundy sweater, black undershirt, tie, blue pants) slamming his hands down on the table]
MALE LIBRARIAN 2: What's the difference between microfilm and microfiche?
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: One's a reel, and one's flat.
[cut to the head librarian (black hair, glasses, brown shirt, tie, beige pants) slowly nodding his head]
MALE LIBRARIAN 3: She'll do.
[cut to the librarian walking through the library, when she drops one of her books to the floor ... but when she bends down to pick it up, the other staff members suddenly circle around her and shush her]
[cut to the librarian reaching out to pull a book from the shelf, when one of the other female librarians grabs her hand and shakes her head]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: [in voice over] Is everyone here always this intense?
MALE LIBRARIAN 2: [in voice over] People are just really passionate about their job here ...
[cut to the two talking in the break room]
MALE LIBRARIAN 2: We're the top gun of libraries!
[cut to the librarian trying to help a male patron, when the head librarian suddenly appears behind them]
MALE LIBRARIAN 3: I believe the head librarian would be better suited to assist you ...
[cut to the librarian whispering to another member of the staff]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: Is it just me, or is the head librarian kind of a douche?
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 2: You mean the best librarian in the country?
[cut to the head librarian exiting the library]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 2: [in voice over] They're gonna name this place after him one day!
[the head librarian turns to leave, but "something" attacks him]
[cut to the librarian running into the head librarian (with his back to the camera) at the in-wall mail organizer]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: Good morning.
[she pauses and sniffs the air]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: Do you smell something?
[the head librarian turns to her (his hair slicked back as if it's been drenched in pomade) and snaps]
MALE LIBRARIAN 3: What, what? I smell like a man!
[cut to the female librarian sneaking around the head librarian's office, waiting for him to leave, then entering and going through his things ... until she finds that one of his books has been hollowed out to hide a can of Axe Anarchy for Him body spray]
[she gasps, then opens one of the drawers in his desk ... only to find a copy of Maxim Magazine]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: No!
[she turns in disgust, then the camera zooms in on a bottle of La Bella Max Hold styling gel sitting on the bookshelf (as Nickelback's "Figured You Out" begins to play in the background)]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: [whispers] He's a douche ...
[cut to the librarian pulling some books off the shelf, then she gasps as she realizes that the head librarian (sporting a pair of sunglasses indoors) is watching her from the other side]
[cut to the librarian finding one of the other female librarians bending down to pick up some books, causing her shirt to hike up and revealing the small of her back (where a Chinese symbol clearly visible)]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: Is that a tribal tattoo?
[cut to the librarian walking through the stacks, when she finds one of the other male librarians lifting hand weights (in full workout clothes)]
MALE LIBRARIAN 2: Ugh! Do you even lift, bro?
[cut to a female patron speaking to the other male librarian (combing his beard while wearing a top hat and trench coat)]
FEMALE PATRON: Hi, do you have a copy of the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting?"
MALE LIBRARIAN 1: This is the only book that you're gonna need!
[he slaps a copy of "The Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States" down on the table]
FEMALE PATRON: Is it gonna tell me what contractions feel like?
[he opens up his trenchcoat, revealing a red t-shirt with a man (dressed suspiciously like him) riding a winged tyranosaurus rex]
MALE LIBRARIAN 1: It's gonna tell you what freedom feels like!
[cut to the librarian talking to someone off camera in a panic]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: Everyone is turning into a douche!
[cut to one of the male librarians flexing his muscles to display a henna tattoo on his elbow]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: [in voice over] Everyone at the library!
[cut to one of the librarians wearing a baseball cap with "Boob Hunter" written in marker]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: [in voice over] Have you noticed?
[cut to several of the librarians roaming the stacks (almost like zombies) chanting "Kegger bomb! Kegger bomb!"]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: [in voice over] The douche is spreading! We need to leave, we need to get out of here!
[cut to one of the female librarians (not yet affected) shaking her head]
[cut to another one of the female librarians (wearing a tanktop and sunglasses) pointing at the "untouched" librarian and screeching (a reference to the "1978 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers")]
[cut to one of the female librarians grabbing the "untouched" librarian and posing with her cell phone]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 2: Selfie!
[the "untouched" librarian grabs a book and hits her over the head]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: Selfie defense!
[cut to the librarian running down the street, as her workmates follow her]
MALE LIBRARIAN 3: Let's hunt her down!
[cut to the librarian running into the cemetery, where she winds up surrounded by her workmates, as they again chant "Kegger bomb!" (and the music changes to Icona Pop's "I Love It")]
[cut to the librarian trying to look away, when one of the other librarians reaches in from off camera and holds up a can of Axe body spray]
[cut to the "untouched" librarian's POV, as she gets sprayed down, then the scene fades to black]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN 1: [in voice over] You only library once ...
["Yolo, bitch!" appears on screen]